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What the hell is love and passion?

I’ve loved men, some great men, some men that really deserve to be called men. But there has always been a confusion in my head as to what love really was. I gave my whole heart to men and women in sex and friendship and my whole heart wasn’t always valued at it’s worth, so I decided that no one was worth my whole heart, Surely it was better to keep a bit for myself?It seemed easier to give people what they wanted, suck a man off in a toilet, what did it matter, nothing to me, he was left happy, I didn’t stop to think what people would think of me, if it cheapened me, if it lessened me, if it made him think I was great, I carried on regardless. I still had my heart safe in my pocket.I gave love my very best, so I thought and got kicked in the teeth, so why the hell should I have kept pouring my soul into every relationship, men who couldn’t be faithful, friends just weren’t there, surely no one was worth that. Why the hell should I worry about purity and my soul, no one else seemed to care, all anyone ever wanted was what they could get out of me, they put up with the tortured soul for as long as they could and I kept them interested in me by using my feminine charms, or my eternal friendship, offered open handed and burned by those who couldn’t see what I offered up. And I didn’t even realise that the heart in my pocket was screaming at me.You can give everything but you will sometimes be let down, sometimes be made to feel second best, because people always have something they treasure above you, football, poker, work, family, other friends…it could be anything.People are inherently selfish; it’s all about self preservation. People think what is best for me in this situation, how can I win out of this situation?, I don’t care who I hurt, or even, I can’t think of who I hurt, because it’s all so mixed up in their head nobody knows.Well perhaps we should all take a moment to think, what are we doing here, why are we doing it and are we going to hurt anyone by doing it? We all have our secrets, there are things I have done that make me hang my head in shame, I apologise, how many go by thinking nothing of their actions?I think of every mistake, every fuck up, and every person I’ve screwed over. All I ever thought I wanted was love, but when it was offered up to me on a plate, what did I do? I turned my nose up at it, I wondered if there was better love, some person who could make me feel like I’d never felt before, but the better it got the more I thought I could find better. I forgot that all I had wanted when I was 14 was love, to be loved for me, for who I was and not to be what I could be if I tried a little harder. That heart in my pocket was covered in dust had grown so small I couldn’t hear it.Yes I have loved people who didn’t deserve my love, but there have been those who did and I didn’t give love the chance, I wanted to be loved so badly and I felt so strongly that I wasn’t loved I found it hard to believe that anyone could love me because I couldn’t love myself. It all became clear. I had to forgive my past, forgive my enemies, forgive myself and give the future a chance.I can’t promise I will be good, that’s not really the way I work, but I will give myself the respect I deserve and from there respect those around me, in my own way and I wont let anyone else’s judgment come into it, the fool can tell you what he thinks is right, and the philosopher, and the church and the theologian, whose to say what is right? I hate the government, the English royalty, am I Orwellian? Well I see his vision become more visual every day.The heart in my pocket tells me to give everyone a chance, to forgive and forget, the devil on my shoulder tells me to have fun and tell everyone else to go to hell…but then he would wouldn’t he?

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