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Being a better person

My mum died in November last year, not a day passes when I don’t think of her; miss her. Some days I am particularly angry as mum died before her time, at 65 mum was young and had cancer that went undetected, mum was stolen away from me and my daughter. Mum didn’t drink too much, mum didn’t eat too much, and mum didn’t smoke. It was just sods law and my fear, genetics.

I buried my feelings down deep during the day and cried silent tears into my pillow at night, for my loss, for my family’s loss for my mother’s loss. I’ll never see my mum play with my children, and I know that was something mum had lived for. Mum had worked at a nursery school in Hong Kong and on school holidays I went in for work experience. She was very dedicated to the job, she enjoyed it and excelled at teaching and playing with toddlers, she was desperate for a grand child.

What can I take away from this, what possible goodness can come out of this horrible situation? I ignored that question until I was ready to deal with it. A friend of mine asked me what my plans were. I didn’t actually have any plans. Did I need to make plans? Yes.

I immersed myself in the development and care of my daughter, it was something that had always came first but I let nothing else come in, if I went for a walk I was pushing her in the pram, if I ate I was eating with Alice, I slept with Alice I played with Alice. I went nowhere without her and only briefly saw friends and Alice was always in my lap, crawling by me, asleep in my arms. I managed to at least let her sleep in her cot by herself. I agreed to meet a friend for a coffee; I was petrified to be outside with Alice away from the safety of the sofa. Well nothing happened, I saw my friend and she made a real fuss of Alice and I enjoyed talking and being outside and it was good.

Slowly I started venturing out more I went to a yoga class leaving Alice alone asleep in her cot with my husband on stand by. I actually managed to be away for 90 mins + without going mad or breaking down and each yoga class I was told to let things go and believe in myself and grow strong. I joined a park fitness group on a Saturday and spent up to 2 and half hours away. It felt good to be doing things for me, doing things away from anyone who was very close; I was just a normal person going about my business. And I started to lose weight faster than I had been.

And now I’ve found myself a little hobby to keep myself occupied, touting beauty products might not be the best way to make money, but I’m not ready to give Alice over to a child minder.

I decided though that I needed to be a better person, to let go of past disagreements with friends, to apologise for hurting people, to be there when people needed me. To try and not be quick to judge, but find a way to explain why someone might have done something that seemed very hurtful. I don’t want to enter into arguments. I avoid situations by not associating with people who cause conflict, people constantly filled with anger, resentment or jealousy. It’s hard as I’ve just started to improve myself but I’m determined to be a better person. I make mistakes, but I’m only human.

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