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Darkest before the dawn…

Dear readers, I apologise profusely for my absence. I did the unforgivable and went and had another baby :) ha ha ha how very stupid of me. She’s the most beautiful creation since my last beautiful creation and so beautifully behaved. Alas she eats and eats and eats and I have been left with little time to be able to grasp at any thought let alone write a blog post.

My little angels have been taking up most of my sleep time and the upshot of that is that my sanity has been hanging in the balance, there’s a certain time of day, as the sun wanes where shadows seem to take on a life of their own, this is a scary time for me . I think the immovable  moves, I think I see motion  in corners and in reflections and sometimes I’m even scared to look out the window just in case I see someone in my garden who shouldn’t be there.  The door buzzes, my phone beeps the floor boards moan and I jump.

Suddenly my eczema is playing up and the nervous twitch I get in my left eye,  the little sleep that I have is full of dreams of people doing awful things to themselves, cutting themselves up with garden tools and babies lying unconscious in water .

One night I was nursing my daughter and I felt a cold breath on me, breathe in and breathe out, slow and steady. To know that your sanity is slowly ebbing away is a very scary thing  and I was scared to high heaven that it might go completely and what then? What if it never came back?

Thankfully my littlest, after five months of demanding my company and milk two or three times a night has decided that she would rather have sleep. I awoke the first time with full slightly sore boobs but for the first time in a long time I didn’t wake up with the feeling that I was about to lose touch with reality.

I have beautiful, intelligent, children,  I’m a lucky woman, I can appreciate that more now.

 

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