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The way i feel it

So the way I am, I’ll tell you but only if you really want to know….do you really want to know?
On the good days, I’m walking through a meadow that is fresh and clear, I breath in the green and out the zest and I fell fresh, all is good here, all is healthy. The grass has grown so high, I brush it with the tips of my fingers, it makes me smile and I twirl round like a small child until I fall flat on my back.
I stare up at the sky, it is cerulean  blue and I wonder where everyone I love might be going to, sky trails mean absent love, then they thicken and group together. Are you still with me?

The clouds are like spider webs, some memories are so strong, but some are wispy and gray and clump together like bad custard.
When the sky is clear  I can answer any questions put to me,  I can answer clearly and succinctly .  I am smiley, happy and everything is good.
I go about my business everything dirty is washed, the floor is hovered, the kids are taken to numerous trips, homework is done, lunches are done, bedtime routine is done and I look after my husbands most basic needs. This is how most people know me. I smile and always say “it’s all Okay, I’ve got this” the funny thing is, deep down inside me.

Whilst I do have “this” I don’t have myself. I’m crying out in pain, tears streaming down my cheeks, screaming to the heavens, saying over and over “I can’t deal with this, I can’t deal with this, I can’t deal with this”  But I turn my face to the furnace and submit to carry on.

Sometimes though there are shifts.
So I’m on the mission, I’m walking on the ground, it’s firm, grass on either side and as long as everything is OK I travel on… however the problem is that this is a metaphor for the good times, when it is all stable. Sadly life is  not always constant, and in my life there constantly seems to be something to challenge me. So comes a time where I  really have to climb a mountain. I’m not sure I you can reach the summit but I know I have to try, I know I have to reach it.
So I start walking and the pathway is clear but the further on you reach the dustier and the graver the path becomes, the ground starts to shift beneath you with each step, the ground literally melting beneath your feet and every step becomes a mission, you know you have to move on but your starting to wade through sand, then mud, then clay and you are stuck.
What can you do, everyone else seems to be walking through the mud all OK but you are stuck….what to do?
You can’t see clearly, you don’t understand and you become very frustrated, you panic, you start doing things that you don’t like but you think they will get you through the mud. All you are doing is burying yourself deeper and deeper. Somehow you are able to help everyone else but yourself.

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