I have carried you inside me for 34 weeks and they have been the best 34 weeks of my life so far.

I have been very lucky, I have had no sickness, a little tiredness and lots of good feelings since you came along, from the day I found out I had you I felt lucky and told people I had won my own personal lottery.

I was happy to stop drinking if it meant keeping you safe, luckily I had given up smoking too but for you any sacrifice seemed easy to make.

It was wonderful to have you at our wedding, Auntie Fashion made a beautiful dress for us, and yes you as a little bump were taken into consideration.

Everyone was so excited to see the little black and white scan pictures of you and my heart soared when I saw little images of you moving and heard your own heart beating.

When I first felt you move I was so excited and then when your Daddy felt you move I was overjoyed, some mums complain of being in pain, but you never really hit me that hard. I worried that this meant something but I think you were well cushioned in me and never needed to hit hard.

Myself and your Daddy are looking forward to meeting you and getting to know you, you are coming into a big family who are all looking forward to meeting you and getting to know you.

You are so special to me and I love you very much. I hope that you are always happy and that life is everything you want it to be. You deserve the world.

However, I’m not because some one has walked into my life and suddenly all I care about is that one person but I’m yet to be officially introduced.  I’ve fallen in love or at the very least I’m falling in love. Everyday I wonder how they are doing as I yawn for the fifteenth time, I wonder what they look like as I eat my fruit or my vegetables, I wonder if they are ok as my hand strays down to my stomach and rubs it. 

Is it a girl or a boy will it look like Adrian or me?

Have you guessed my secret yet? I’m 12 weeks pregnant and I don’t think I have ever been happier, when I first found out I said that I had won my own personal lottery, because for me having a baby with the man I love is all I have ever wanted, now someone will love me unconditionally and I will be able to pour my love into them.

I’ve been very lucky so far with no sickness and only a bit of tiredness, certainly I love my sleep at the moment and it is very hard to get out of bed. I have kept up with the gym but in the last two weeks I have slowed down. Hopefully A bit further along in my second trimester I will get the energy back, the books keep promising me I will. 

I’ve been eating well and trying very hard not to eat more than I need but for some reason my sweet tooth has gone into over drive and I am eating far too many sweets, trying to chew gum to avoid that and it does seem to be helping.

I quit drinking and smoking a week before I found out I was pregnant, it was a dry Christmas with no Disney movies watched, but I managed to keep the chocolate consumption down. I can’t wait till next Christmas and we have a little body rolling around the boxes upon boxes that I will shower upon them.

The only thing that is giving me real problems or that is upsetting me is my temper. It’s not all the time and it’s not always the same thing but when I blow…well it’s unpleasant.  Luckily it’s only been three of four out bursts and Adrian is taking them all  in his stride and ignoring them.

We are going for our first scan on the 8th of January by then we will be near the end of our 13th week and all my immediate family will be in the country it’s all very exciting. I will now probably only want to write about the little growing person inside of me we are calling them Emcha at the moment, Emma for a girl Charlie for a boy, but of course it will be a while before we know.

Libby & Emcha

I grew up with brothers who led the path to self destruction many times I witnessed their fall in to states of uncomprehensiveness. I danced along with them to songs we all knew and loved, and cleaned up their sick and their blood.

I’ve stood and listened to the thoughts of a man who no longer shared reality as most know it. I’ve been part of their paranoia, beaten down by their own shame. I’ve argued with them, lost games with them, been abondoned by them and thereon abondoned myself for a while.

I sit at home wondering if they are ok, I’ve sat by and watched, them smuther themselves in the crap that they bring on themselves. Only because any protest from me would be rewarded with a stoney silence, a look that says ” I hate you” and words that mean much the same.

Excuses are poured out at the time and afterwards, sometimes apologies that in the following months become empty and meaningless, because what ever was apologied for is done again.

WhenI have problem at work I have to find the route cause, because you can cure the sympton but if the illness is still there it wont ever stop. Well I wish I knew what the route cause was, I wish some one could shout out…it’s this, blah blah blah.

The probelm is never solved… it just goes on and on and on. I’m tired, I’ve given continual support…and I don’t know what else to do. I’m angry, upset and hurt….

what can I do?

As I spend most of my Sunday afternoons, today was spent with a little gardening and watching Sir David Attenborough talk about some amazing creatures. This weekend it was birds. Now I am not a bird watcher but there are some amazing facts to be learnt about birds, the way they live or rather survive.

It was actually the last part which really spoke to me. The Hooper Crane in America have been adopted by some bloke, he teaches them how to eat, how to run and take off and he’s got himself something like a microlite and he’s going to lead their migration. I wasn’t sure why but I found tears trickling down my cheeks. Well my period is coming so the hormones are up, but somewhere between watching the man nurture these birds as a father would his children and thinking about how helpless some creatures are, my heart gave in.

Slightly over a month ago I learned that my Dad had cancer, I nearly fainted, and it was quiet something to take in. A big strong man who protected me as a baby, guarded me as a child, been on the end of the phone when ever I needed him, that is my Daddy.
He had worked abroad for years, missed various birthdays and even when he was there he hadn’t always been able to help me. But there were many times that he did take care of me and he will always be my hero.

I had always known he was going to come home at some point, come home and stay home I thought. I knew that I would be at some point leaving England to live in New Zealand. I didn’t know that I was going to lose my Dad before I rightly should do, just as I can be happy to have him home living so close, I have to accept that I am going to have to say goodbye forever sooner than I should.

I know that there are many people out there who lose their parents, in fact the more I talk to people about it they tell me that they also lost parents…but none of them are 26, none of them are the closest hope to producing grandchildren and they are not me. But when watching these birds that hadn’t had any parents, seeing how this man taught them how to eat and then how to take off and will lead them south I realised that although no one can ever take my fathers place there will be other people who will help me along my way. And as I have no control over what is going to happen I will just have to wait and see, give my love and support to him and hope that someone else will be able to give me what I need.