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“Tear You Apart”


“Tear You Apart”

Got a big plan, his mind’s set, maybe it’s right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
In a whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait never mind

Late night, in passing, mention it flip to her
Best friend, it’s no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and a crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leave it to fright

It’s cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days

It’s only just a crush, it’ll go away
It’s just like all the others it’ll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don’t know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it’d pass

And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you’re dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
Wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I wanna fucking tear you apart

Ade’s Birthday Poem 2012

cartwheels, carwheels, cycles, circles, round and round the seasons go.

Birth and laughter, giggles, dancing, learning faster as you grow.

Headaches, heartbreaks, homes behind you, reap the plants that life did soe.

Hold me closely, not too tightly, gentle, gentle, sweet, sweet beau.

Counting, Wanting, waiting, watching the sands of time disrobe

The hands sweep round the clocks face fast, but still too slow

The last of this and then of that on this side of the globe

Hand in hand we leave this land, slowly, slowly, sweet, sweet, beau.

Rocking, Rolling, Sometimes Falling,

You don’t fall down, You’ve not yet won

You’ve moved the miles, you’ve come so far

By far the favourite son

I’ll stand by and look real Purty

Here’s to you now you’re thirty

Son of a gun!

Little face is full of chatter,
and soon another pitter patter,
back in colder climes,
that ticking clock still chimes,*-

I’ll love you till the end of time Happy Birthday Man of mine

Alice’s Words 18 months









Bye Bye

Car (vroom, vroom, vroom)


Cat (Meow)




Dog (woof) (panting)


















oh no









Train (choo choo)







Black Swan

I enjoyed this film so much I watched it twice, once to absorb it and then again to dissect it.

Black Swan is a story of a frigid, delicate woman with a fragile state of mind who has a history of self harm and a vicarious mother, which would explain the self harm and perhaps the frigidity.

We are introduced to Nina, “a sweet girl” alarm bells are already ringing in my head as the insidious music tells me that she is heading for a fall. Then in blast’s Lily, who seems quite casual who is of course the diametric of Nina.

Nina builds a wall of trust in Leroy, the company director. We look on knowing him to be the lascivious male figure who shouldn’t be trusted. Nina sees her dreams realised as Leroy decides that she will be swan queen, a rather flippant approval. We see the downfall of her predecessor, and I wondered how long the new queen would reign.

Beth was Leroy’s “little princess” The prima ballerina of the corps. She shows herself as somewhat embittered to be passing on the role, we are told by Lily that Nina will be graced with the same title. Does Nina also want to have a romance with Leroy ? I don’t think so, maybe she needs something from someone. I do think Nina has other, bigger worries on her mind.

Swan lake is a beautiful story, only true love can break a spell. It annoys me however as it plants the idea in every young persons head that love equals a partner and that they will solve any problem you have. In reality, you have to solve your own problems before you can enter into a state of love and trust. Nina love’s to dance but her desire to be perfect blinds her to passion, until she is told that she needs passion to portray the queen’s darker character, and without that she won’t live out the role for long.

An interesting dimension of this film is the concept that there are females out there whose only desire in life is to undermine you and make you look like a freak, note to all, if you are paranoid it’s not just the one girl whose out to get you. And quite often it’s you whose to blame for any freakish behaviour. I worked out quickly that the Lily’s character was a split, in that she was real but that the hysteria of Nina’s character saw her as a Machiavellian Tiamat, so that is what we were shown. However I nearly missed the parts where Lily was a nice person.

I did enjoy the film, from the lesbian/masturbation scene which I understand to be a schizophrenic episode where Nina was absorbing the darkness Nina believed as Lily’s character, to Nina pulling quills from her skin as she slowly metamorphosed into the Black Swan. It’s rare to have such stark imagery in a film. But I really enjoyed watching the imagined transformation, as much as it upset me.

It is sad to observe how the desire to achieve your goal can send you off the edge, crashing into oblivion. And it is heartbreaking to watch such a delicate person become so obsessed to succeed that she sees no alternative but to emulate the swan queen’s demise. We’ve all been there, the possibly unobtainable, threatened to be whisked out from your grasp and you cling so desperately to any shred that you end up with cut, bleeding fingers and broken wings.


A Rose By Any Other Name……

My dear friend in New Zealand is expecting her second child and has started the mammoth task of trying to decide on a name, I’m sure it will be quite striking, her first is called “Aslan” as in the eponymous Lion from “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”. So far we have Blaze, Phoenix and Gregory on the table. I’m quite excited to see what is settled on.

It’s not an easy job to pick a name for someone, it’s something that they have to live with forever after all. For me I wanted something that I thought couldn’t be turned into a nasty play ground rhyme, but also something different. As it happened the name “Alice” was everywhere when I was pregnant, but it seemed like a nice English name, one of Queen Victoria’s children was named “Alice” and Mr Libby had no arguments. I still needed something different for my little face though.

I lived in Hong Kong for five years and learnt a little Cantonese in my time, this is what helped me decide on “Mae” it’s not Chinese but from memory “May” or “Mai” is quite commonly used as a girls name in Asia.

I wanted her to have something different but also similar to my mum’s name, my mothers name is “Mavis”…or at least it was when she was alive. My mum was quite often called “Mave” for short so I did away with the “v” and we ended up with Mae. My best friends name is “Emma” so it’s also in part for her. Finally I checked to see if there was anyone famous with the name of “Mae” and found “Mae West” She coined the phrase “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” along with many other’s. So clearly a strong, intelligent and confident character, what better middle name for my little girl?

I have now started looking for a middle name for my next girl. I originally wanted her first name to be “Lilly” and her middle name to be “Rose”. It has since occurred to me though that as “Alice” has a slightly unusual middle name that “Lilly” Should also have one. So where to look for inspiration?

I have a friend who lives in Japan and I have always been interested in Japanese culture so thought that I would find out what “Rose” was in Japanese, as it turns out it is not a good choice as the Japanese pinyin for “Rose” is “Bara” which has many negative connotations. “Bara” the Japanese word for rose, has many reasons why it is not suitable for a girls name.
1. The sound “Bara” has the other meaning of “apart”. The sound of the word “bara” reminds us of something unlucky “barabara” (broken to pieces) or “barabara satsujin” (torso murder). “bara” also reminds us of rib (bara-niku), and the sound is also similar to “baka” (fool)

2. Roses are of Chinese origin for Japanese people. The kanji characters for “bara” are very complicated and not used for other words in Japan. The word “bara” is a Japanese word (not from China), but many Japanese believe the word originated from China not only does it sound strange as a Japanese word but also the kanji charactors for the pinyin “bara” is not common in Japan.

3. The meaning of the Japanese word “bara” is from “ibara”, that means “thorn”. The word therefore is not good for someone’s name.

4. Roses remind most Japanese of “thorn” or “sting”. The poetic expression of rose in Japanese are the Chinese word “kei kyoku ka”, which means “sting flower”. Of course it could be a kind of irony to call a girl by the name of plant that has sting.
There’s a Chinese old story of “kei kyoku ka girl” (荊棘花) related to very famous story of “臥薪嘗胆” (“ga shin shou tan”, “wo xin chang dan” in Chinese).…

So I thought I would look to see what “Rose” was in Chinese as a girls name. I was highly amused to find out it is “Luō sī”, I haven’t been able to find a pronunciation of it yet, but I’m assuming it might be close to the English name “Lucy” which is my cousin’s name, my husband’s past grandmother’s name and my friend in Japan’s little girls name. Which at the time I told him I didn’t like :)

Can I get away with Lilly Luō sī Brickland…. Quite a few “L’s” there. I might have to play the labour card :)

I Predict A Riot

Between 6 and 10 August 2011, several London boroughs and districts of cities and towns across England suffered widespread rioting, looting and arson.

Following a peaceful march on 6 August 2011 in relation to the fatal shooting of Mark Duggan 4 August 2011, a riot began in Tottenham, North London. In the following days, rioting spread to several London boroughs and districts and eventually to some other areas of England, with the most severe disturbances outside London occurring in Bristol and cities in the Midlands and North West of England. Related localised outbreaks also occurred in many smaller towns and cities in England.

The riots were characterised by rampant looting and arson attacks of unprecedented levels. As a result, British Prime Minister David Cameron returned early from his holiday in Italy and other government and opposition leaders also ended their holidays to attend to the matter. All police leave was cancelled and Parliament was recalled on 11 August to debate the situation.

As of 15 August, about 3,100 people had been arrested, of whom more than 1,000 had been charged. Arrests, charges and court proceedings continue, with courts working extended hours. There were a total 3,443 crimes across London linked to the disorder.

Five people died and at least 16 others were injured as a direct result of related violent acts. An estimated £200 million worth of property damage was incurred, and local economic activity was significantly compromised.

Police action was blamed for the initial riot, and the subsequent police reaction was criticised as being neither appropriate nor sufficiently effective. The riots have generated significant ongoing debate among political, social and academic figures about the causes and context in which they happened.

Those are the facts as reported on wikipedia. I missed the origin of the riots on the news due to the fact that I was living my life busily accomplishing things. Sometimes three days will go by without me checking on what is going on in the world by reviewing the news. It’s not that I don’t care, I just have a very interesting life and I’m busy. Quite often I learn things from topical comedy shows.

I remember that the first I heard of anything was from my husband, I thought he was making a joke. To be honest I was taken aback to learn that there had been rioting for the two previous nights. I was a little embarrassed, but I also missed the news of the Tsunami in Japan for about 10 hours. This happens to me, I’m sure I’m not the only one.

I was appalled when I turned on the news and saw that Croydon was being attacked, attacked by children. I had to step back and think for a moment. What is going on when children are throwing petrol bombs, bricks and metal pipes at the police? I of course took to Facebook, one friend was annoyed at the news, fair enough. I blame the news for inciting hatred and glorifying the initial rioting thereby encouraging gullible, bored and impressionable teenagers to take up the banner of injustice. Silly misguided fools.

I did the only thing I could do, I made jokes of what I saw, the whole sorry situation was one big joke, the blackest of humours unfolded as people lost not only their livelihooods and homes but some also lost their lives, and why? What was it all for?

I don’t believe for one second that it was all down to the shooting of one man. Men are shot everyday and sometimes they have been shot by police officers, it happens, all over the world, it’s sad, it’s tragic, however to err is human and whoever is without sin, well you know the rest of that quote.

Some people blamed the police. I don’t think that’s fair, no one saw what was coming or what was going to happen it would have been impossible to know and to be prepared for the onslaught.

Some people blamed the parents and teachers. I used to be a teenager and I know that the mistakes I made back then weren’t down to parentage or my education. The mistakes I made, and I did make quite a few were down to the fact that I was a teenager learning about the world I lived in. Children learn by trial and error, teenagers are the same except with hormones confusing clear thought making everything so much more dramatic and exciting. It was easy for me to become caught up in bad decisions, I was young and thought less about the consequences of my actions. However I hoped that I had a future ahead of me.

Then there were people who blamed the government. Well it is the goverment’s job to provide a system in which people give a portion of their freedom in order to pursue needs and wants without the fears that are common in a state of anarchy.

I would say what I observed on the news looked like anarchy. I can’t say that the reasons given by the youths interviewed were sound, some were clearly rioting without a cause, looting because they wanted things that they believed they could never buy for themselves. That in it self is sad. I think it is very sad that someone would have so little belief in themselves and what they could achieve in their lifetime that they would be willing to throw away their good name for the sake of a pair of trainers or a flashy television.  Why didn’t they care? Take a lack of regard for consequences and combine it with no hope for a future and I believe you have a powerful fuse to an explosive situation. In short you have anarchy in the state of the youth of the UK.



Temper, Temper

So recently I blew up and posted a rather rude tirade on Facebook. Well that’s really what I should expect of myself after a bottle of wine and a few vodka cranberry soda’s. Way to go on losing my cool, collected personality.

Some people would perhaps view me as a carpet because I am kind and generous, perhaps sometimes too kind and too generous. Sometimes people don’t appreciate the small things, but I’m someone who loves to do the small things. Some people get used to constantly being given the small things and therefore forget to show appreciation.

Some people have so much on thier plate, they forget to show appreciation, or maybe just assume that they don’t need to say or do anything because they know that the carpet will always be there to walk on in a month, 15 weeks,  three years or even 10 years time.

Well the circumstances shouldn’t really matter, common courtesy dictates that if someone does something nice for you, you should say thanks.

I guess I should stop being so kind and so generous to so many different people, then I wouldn’t be so frustrated and feel so let down when I don’t get the appreciation that I rightly deserve.

I know the rules, the secret to a simple life is to keep things simple, so why do I insist on complicating matters? Complications can sometimes be entertaining and are a good distraction from the mundanity of life, I find it hard to concentrate on a job for a lengthy period unless there are entertaining sparks.

I was so angry at all the people who have let me down, not got in touch, let their lives carry on without acknowledging that I’m of any importance to them. But I was more angry at myself for letting myself be so upset, about things that I really didn’t need to be upset about. I wish I could accept that I’m a bit of a nutcase at times, well sometimes I can accept my craziness but sometimes it drives me up the wall.

So i’m embaressed about my outburst of angry emotion and I summed it up as a venting session, I don’t know if I am ready to draw a line under it or through it and dot the full stop to move on to the next statement. I’m still upset, but I don’t know how best to deal with the sadness. well in time I won’t be upset it is funny how time really is a good healer.

I can’t be too surprised at myself though, it’s how I am. I have a temper and maybe the best way to get it out was to post the tirade, except I overused the F word. So next time I’ll say fuck less.




Faddau ‘m chyfaill

‘ch chreuau burnt i mewn i ‘m yn gwarthnodi ‘m asgre

Amsera wedi addysgu ni bydew ddigon , fi m pawb ‘r bechodau

Faddau ‘m angerdd , bagla chen

Faddau ‘m chyfaill

Ddeisyfa at bod 16, mewn barc i mewn banstead siwrnai hychwaneg

namyn ai ddymuniadau were ceffylau achenogion would farchoga

a ‘m fi d andwya ‘i pawb ail

your eyes burnt a brand into my heart
Time has taught us well enough, I’m all the sins
forgive my passion, it runs away from me
forgive me friend,
I wish to be 16, in a field in banstead once more
but if wishes were horses Beggars would ride
and me i’d fuck it all up again anyway

Poem for James from sometime ago

There was so much love, perhaps too much
For the fiery bulls to banter on
We looked up to the stars
And saw them in each others eyes
I loved those chocolate, soulful, pools
Oceans and desire to grow kept us apart
And brought us together
I sang out the wrong song, but it was my song
As you sang yours
My beautiful friend there will never be enough coffee
Never be enough late night films
Everything went wrong to go right
And now we have our own happy endings


I break glass hearts
I lost golden keys
I forgot to leave the past
broken lives, broad trees

handsome, lie to me
stroke the sun
I couldn’t see
I’m not the only one

kissing cuddles stane
stupid dreams die
I pushed the strain
don’t say goodbye

I love you
i’m sorry
it’s true
forgive me